We’re a new couple — 7 months together. I’m 65 and she is 62. We have sex almost every night. Our only problem is that with some rare exceptions she can have only one orgasm per encounter. Afterward, she feels pain in her genitals and a feeling of great satisfaction that causes her to lose interest.The orgasms are very wet with a lot of fluid that’s definitely not urine. I can relate to the physical and mental feelings that she experiences because I’m a man and that’s how our system is designed to work. However, with her being able to cum quite easily and me sometimes having to cease action before I come to prevent her from experiencing pain, there have been a number of disappointments. I sometimes feel that my penis has lost some of it’s sensitivity, which makes me have to work harder to get there; however, by using a system of putting the brakes on when she’s getting close to cumming, we can often work it out so that we arrive together. She says that she never had this problem earlier in her life and when she was young she could have multiple orgasms despite the fact that her former husbands were only looking out for their own wants. From what I gather, it seems that since menopause, she is experiencing the same kind of orgasm as a man does. She’s not much into engaging in a lot of foreplay and is very anxious to get it in and get going. I know that after orgasm we all have that relaxed feeling, but I think that hers is somewhat beyond the usual. I would like to improve our sex life and I’m confident that once we start the ball rolling in an effort to find out just what has changed in her system she will have no problem with getting help. [Note: This query was edited for length]
Dr. Melanie says: Congratulations on finding a partner who enjoys sex as much and as often as you do! I’ll begin by addressing your concern about a change in penile sensitivity. This could be due to a natural decrease in testosterone, to diabetes, to trauma, or to another medical issue. To know for sure, have a complete check up with your primary physician or urologist, and mention the change in sensitivity. If everything is fine medically, try increasing foreplay and direct penis stimulation. Intercourse alone may not provide enough stimulation — you may need to switch off between vaginal intercourse, manual stroking, and oral stimulation. A sex toy might help, too, like a sleeve or a vibrating penis ring (wear it so the vibrator buzzes the base of your penis and scrotum.) If you’re using condoms (and you should be!), you may need a thinner type, like the ones here.
Regarding your partner’s style of orgasmic response, don’t assume there’s anything “wrong” because it’s not what you or she are used to. Many things may have contributed to this change — her orgasm could be much stronger and more satisfying that the multiples of her younger days; she may fatigue easily now and not have the energy for longer sex sessions; blood circulation may have diminished sensitivity in some of her old hot spots; or her pelvic floor muscles may have relaxed, causing anatomical shifts that re-focused her pleasure zones. There’s also a possibility that there’s some technique issues the two of you need to discuss. Perhaps she used other intercourse positions with her former partners than with you, and those positions were more likely to generate multiple orgasm. Along the same lines, are you sure that she’s “anxious to get it in and get going” because she’s horny? Maybe she doesn’t enjoy the pre-penetration stimulation you’ve been giving her, so she’s eager to get it over with. The only way to learn what’s going on is to talk openly and to experiment.
Sex shouldn’t hurt, so your partner should get a sexual health exam and report the post-orgasmic pain to her doctor. If there are no medical problems, your partner may be experiencing vulvar engorgement after orgasm that leaves her sensitive to touch. Or, she may be raw, due to insufficient lubrication on her vulva and in her vagina during sex. The fact that she ejaculates with orgasm doesn’t negate the fact that as a menopausal female, she needs moisture before and during intercourse to enjoy comfortable sex. Adequate foreplay may get her wet enough; more likely, she’ll need a little personal lubricant, especially with you needing to “work harder to get there.” I recommend a silicon-based lubricant for longer-lasting effects.
I’m going to assign you some homework:
- Both of you should be tested for sexually transmitted infections. Unless you ask, your doctor may assume you aren’t at risk.
- Rethink your sexual goals. Rather than simultaneous orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse, how about mixing things up? A lot of stimulation over your entire bodies, through massage, body rubbing, genital touching, licking, etc. Then, how about a little oral sex for you, a little vaginal penetration, a little oral sex for her, a little vaginal penetration, a little more oral or manual play — you get my drift. Shake things up so that you’re not so focused on sex being the way is “has always been.”
- Instead of aiming for simultaneous orgasm, give each other the pleasure of undivided attention. Imagine how great it could feel to have your partner be 100% focused on exploring your body to find new ways to give you pleasure, knowing that you’ll be reciprocating for her?
- My final piece of advice is to focus on what feels good, regardless of whether it fits your expectations based on past sexual history.